Whenever I walk to go to school there’s no day that I will not stumble upon beggars and old men sitting along the walkway begging for anything you could respectfully give. And in every day I feel guilt.
I’m definitely out of tune tonight. I feel reckless, bursting, scattered. It’s like my heart could shout at any moment, there’s no fear, and it’s encouraging me to be rebellious. Don’t pull the trigger, don’t pull the trigger — an echo in my mind.
She’s an everlasting light
Her smiles mirroring innocence
Her sun dress and her milky skin
One by one she undress
This man she could have
Oh how she adore his wisdom and sadness
Break the rules, no compliments
Bound by the rules, here’s her love.
Frightful truths —
There’s no speech that I am good at even if I want words to run in my mind and turn it into frightful truths. Everything seems so tangled and chronic when I couldn’t find words. I’m only good at emotions and how I can carefully arrange them into chains of poetry and prose. I read from someone’s mind that to write about something or someone is to admit your own reality, that when you put words altogether is to ignore yourself from vulnerabilities.
I’ll never apologize if I dig in too much, if I caught too much feelings because of delusions. I know that I am irrevocably in love with wishful thinking. And when a glint of thought come across my mind, I will hurriedly grasp it and keep it for a very long time. I could read it for you but my lips are drunk and I realized that I can never speak languages that are too honest and almost washed out by too much truth.
I always thought that I’m always eighteen who doesn’t know anything. I don’t want to grow up and feel any remorse. But one day you’ll be nineteen then twenty; you know how to count years, it may frighten you. Unknowingly, somehow, everything changed. I’ll tell you; you’ll meet people from time to time and the most startling person you’ll ever meet will change your preferences in life. “I want to grow up now”, I want to chase years and be alarmed that you’re a galaxy ahead from me.
I know what I want and how hopeless it may sound it makes me think more. Of what should I do and what I could. And this heart-wrenching truth started a fire. I tried to avoid any sentiments, but it’s your grace that I can only see. I admire metaphors and paradoxes, they always talk about your ubiquity.
To whom we want to spend our lives with — I died when I was nineteen, I believed.
It’s when you suddenly cry because of a few sentences that stoke your heart. You’ll cry on your bed and when you calmed down a bit you’ll hurriedly go downstairs, you will get your favorite bar of chocolate in the fridge and you’ll make yourself a hot tea. You will go back to your room; you’ll shut the door and locked it, you’ll turn off the lights, you’ll cry more. You’ll eat your favorite chocolate while talking to yourself about how painful it is to feel love, on how hopeless your love is. And the tea that you made? You’ll make believe that it can soothe down your angst. You’ll think of how stupid it is to be in love.