“What if I will get tired of this?”

“What do you mean?”

“What if I will get tired of the chase and the hopes and heartaches? What will you do if one day you’ll notice that I am not bothering you anymore? What if one day you’ll notice that I am not sending you letters, that one day I’ll stop looking for you, that there will be that time where I will give up on you”

“Will you get tired? Should I beg you not to? Should I tell you please don’t get tired of waiting?”

“For once, at least you should tell me to wait for more. I want it coming from your mouth, I want it filling your heart”

“I’m sorry, how can I say that? You’re a stubborn child. Can’t you see it? I’m always telling you to wait”

posted 1 day ago on Sep 16
When you give up on someone it doesn’t mean you’ll stop feeling something for that someone.
- Truth is you’ll never stop feeling it. The feeling only resides. Giving up is resisting the feelings to grow but it can’t cease it.
posted 2 days ago on Sep 15

With no apparent reasons, you’ll feel nothing. I feel nothing. How scared I am right now? With no apparent reason, I feel nothing. I just keep on thinking things; they’re haunting me right now.

It’s raining, the wind’s shattering noise is pushing everything on its way.

“Death is a choice too”
“What if we’re already dead and we’re just pretending that we’re living?”
“I want to feel loved and see that I am loved by someone who doesn’t know who I am”
“I’m a hypocrite if I’m still living”

On the bed, the walls, the ceiling, the light is on.
Written on the walls —
“You’ll never avoid happenings like this”
“Liquor dreams, running away”

Under the switch —
“Who will love you?”

- The vividness of reality. To whom will I pour out myself at times like this?
posted 4 days ago on Sep 14

“Take care of yourself”, I said to him. It has nothing to do with me. I am just worried and at the same time scared. My heart felt like waving at him with the sound of take care. I swallowed myself, I tried to forget that I am no one for him, and it felt like the world was shouting at me of why should I. The trouble it caused, no, it wasn’t trouble. I am the trouble.

“Take care of yourself”, as if that if I will say it to him he’ll feel alright. I remember, I am no one for him and saying it will not cure any of his pain. And at the end of the day I’ll be the one who’s trying to forget that I want to take care of him.

- Ghosts like me are lovers too.
posted 4 days ago on Sep 14

Detachment from reality — it always start by contouring the shape of your mind. Then, you’ll likely to figure out that your soul agreed with the physical reality. “I’ll be out for some time”, it’s an agreement between you and yourself.

Sometimes it doesn’t go like that; when an object, which should be superficial through your eyes wired you in a different dimension. You’ll likely to find yourself swarmed by floating thoughts and when you’re in the physical realm all your senses will become ashore in to some kind of different reality. A kind of reality that isn’t discovered but rather constructed. “I realized that truth isn’t discovered but rather it is constructed” — our own reality is our own intellectual standards of what is ought to be thought.

I wish that I am not the only one who’s frightened of reality. We have our own constructed realities and I think detachment is our course of getting ready for the next composition of truth that will cease our past beliefs, some beliefs remain but sometimes they will not.

- I’m think I’m lost in reality again.
posted 5 days ago on Sep 12
I saw a blue and yellow pill on the railway platform. I always remember that blues and yellows are the most stirring combination of colors for me. I always get lost in looking at yellow beside blue. I always remember Van Gogh too.
The fact that I saw those colors in a form of a pill. My thoughts are floating again above my head and I walked and walked and walked. My thoughts began to swarm around me, people were behind me, I noticed that my feet is stepping on the shadows of those people ahead of me.
Pill — I remember that when my head was hurting and it couldn’t stop for days I took pills and chased it with wine until I ran out of it. Throughout the night I made myself believe that it’s going to be alright.
It did. But it didn’t last.
posted 1 week ago on Sep 11

I was half naked, drinking green tea, and eating chocolates when I wrote that and it made it bare but full.

posted 1 week ago on Sep 08
I wonder when will be the days be careful and kind to me. I always feel a derangement within me even though I know that it doesn’t really exist. It seems like nothingness is a kind disposition to me. I either sleep too much or sleep so little that my mundane life becomes a mess. No wonder why I never had days where I have plans that I can fulfill, no wonder why I hate order than chaos.
- The morning’s treat to me; a kind and gentle disposition.
posted 1 week ago on Sep 08

The mountains hide fears
From the winds that tore strong storms
Courage let it see

The moon watch the sea
In every night it sings cries
Midnight doth fly fast

Blood-stained sunset rest
Beholder in grace arise
After dawn believed

Cosmic gallery —
Run onto the sheets of the
Scintillating stars

Rain talks to the ground
Trip and fall, catch then unfold
Desiccate in time

- Haikus
posted 1 week ago on Sep 07

I know we are different souls living in different timelines. Though we live presently with the same ticking clocks, with the same sound of the sky; I do know that might can’t be synchronized. If I could just exchange lives with the one you truly adore I will. If I could just see you every day, if you could just see me in a way where my heart will make noises and clap its wings. I love you from afar, I love you through hi and hellos, and your silence is the most striking greeting for me. It’s hard to admit to myself that you’ve successfully filled my cracks with hopes and wishes; without any words from your mouth, without any signs that you could love me too.

For the hurt you have, for the bridges that you burned, for the one you loved the most, for the loneliness that you’ve felt, for the roads you’ve taken, for the one you love the most, and for the one I want to call love the most.

- A letter for the one I want to love the most.
posted 1 week ago on Sep 07